Goodbye

Yesterday we went to Eugene to say goodbye to Grandpa. Justin was scared at first, but warmed up fairly quickly. He had everyone laughing and at that point I knew bringing him was the right decision. As we were leaving I asked him to tell Great Grandpa that he loved him (which he did), that we'd see him soon (hopefully in Heaven), and then goodbye. Our little prince was such an angel. Grandpa waved goodbye to us and that brought everyone to tears. No one had seen that much from him in days. He is dying and it hurts so much.

Last night I was in and out of sleep all night. Whether dreaming or awake, I was holding Grandpa's hand and watching over him. I could see his room and Grandma sleeping on the guest bed. This went on for so long. Then at 4:30 I just panicked because I thought he had died. Truly, I panicked. Shaking, crying, choking. I just knew it. However, this morning he rallied a bit as his doctor said he probably would. I guess most people, when they are dying, seem to have one final rally after all the tubes and stuff have been removed. I can only guess it's because they know at some very deep level that the door is closing. I cannot imagine it.

We spend our every waking minute from the time we enter the world sustaining the life we have been given. We do our best to avoid any pain or injury and then at some point, it's just over. We really have little say in it. I feel like I am dealing with something I have never truly thought about before. I have lost others, but this time the reality of life and its brevity and death and its finality are just...

Lord, thank you that I got to say goodbye to Grandpa and that Kevin and Justin were there as well. The support of this wonderful husband you have blessed me with is amazing. Thank you for the joy that Justin brought to everyone. Thank you that you are a shepherd who seeks to have your entire flock safe and under your watchful eye. Please bring us all to yourself, especially those who have wandered far. Please let Grandpa's passing be peaceful. I love you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Head-on

Grandpa hadn't really eaten in a week. He kepts going back and forth between slipping and rallying. No doctor had been seen all day. No answers to questions made available. Then Mr. Head-on came in and changed all that.

He straight-up asked if Grandpa if he had given up! Yesterday? Today? Right this minute? Where was he at? Had he given up or was he planning on it? Wow. He dealt directly with the issue, head-on. If you're giving up, ok, but you won't ever leave this place. If not, then start eating and work to get out of here. Very direct, very effective. Then he put some food in his mouth and told him to start eating. (G-pa said he had given up earlier, but now wasn't.) Down went "milkshake," some peas, some beef.

Thank you Lord for this doctor. Thank you for his boldness. Thank you for dealing directly with our sin by allowing your son to die on a cross. It was horrific, without a doubt, for you as his father, and for him as well. But there was no other way. Sin had to be dealt with head-on. Thank you for that Lord. Please deal with me head-on and pull me closer to you. You are hope and in you I place my trust. Amen.

Better

Once a month I try to make it to this wonderful ladies group. It's coordinated by a woman who's been married nearly 30 years and has two grown daughters who both love the Lord. Her heart's desire is to mentor those of us who are just getting started in this season of our lives. Just engaged to married a decade or more, we come to listen and share because we want to do better. We want to reflect God's love in our families in how we treat our spouses and raise the kids we have or someday hope to have.

Afterwards I always come home to debrief. Honestly, I usually begin debriefing in the car on the way! It's a good time to ask questions and get feedback that I normally won't seek out. And I need it. I'm not a very impartial judge of my own behavior. We talk about our relationship and how we're doing parenting Justin. What's going well and where we can improve. Really, really, honest, intentional communication.

-What is God teaching me in regards to being Kevin's helpmate?
-Do I nag?
-Is my attitude grateful, content, pleasant?
-What things does Kevin like about my behavior, attitude, appearance?
-Am I micromanaging Justin's behavior or disciplining for heart issues?
-Is our home a haven? (*Confession* What's the clutter teaching our son about how we value the blessings we have been given? What does it say about how I prioritize my time? Spending time doing things I always want to do or taking time to care for us as a family? Ouch...)
-Where can I improve in any of these areas?
-Am I only focused on what makes me happy or am I seeking to honor God by serving my family by doing things they enjoy?

We had an awesome conversation that was very affirming, but also helped me see where I can improve. I do need to be more patient with Justin and not raise my voice when I am upset. I can accomplish the same things with a calm attitude that I try to quickly accomplish by losing my temper. Also, the message I am sending to Justin about our home and how we value it may be lost in disorganization. I can do better.

Lord, thank you so much for providing Kris to share with all of us last night. I am always so encouraged afterwards and eager to go home and talk with Kevin. Thank you for the positive words I recieved and for helping me see areas where I can improve. I want to do a good job at the job you have given me. I want to honor You during my day and see You in all that I do. It isn't just behavior, it's my heart for living a life that brings you praise, not causes Your Word to be blasphemed. I love you and am so grateful for all Your blessings in my life. Thank you for the hope I have in Heaven someday. In Jesus' name, Amen--

Heaven

I've had several conversations lately on the topic of who is headed to Heaven. I know the only way to Heaven is through Jesus. This topic gets troublesome for me, and obviously others, when speaking about someone who has died or is in the process of dying. We all want to assume those we love are hanging out with God (or will be soon), but sometimes I feel like we talk about it just to help each other grieve without really addressing whether or not the person sought a relationship with Jesus. To say death and what comes next are touchy subjects doesn't do them justice.

I don't know a clear, easy way to deal with this. When the opportunities are there, I try to grab them because I know they may never come again. To share about our Lord and the power of salvation for those who believe...not just those who do good works. If good behavior was enough Jesus' death on the cross would've been unnecessary. We could've just kept the law and done a lot of sacrifices. But that wasn't and isn't enough. Jesus is the only answer.

Lord, please help me to continue mulling this over. Please help me to have courage at the right times and to share honestly and lovingly. Please use me as a vessel. I would like to see all the people I care about enjoying a relationship with you, but I know many don't, yet. Please put the right people in their paths to share your truth. Please prepare their hearts for the message. Thank you for your sacrifice on the cross. Amen--

Cattle fence

This last few days have involved several interactions with Marshall cows. This has lead to a few funny connections between my behavior and my faith.

The other night we need to separate the cows...yearlings from the mama and her calf, and the calf from his mama. The calf need to have his boy parts altered, if you know what I mean. One of the yearlings needed to have his halter adjusted because he continues to attempt to nurse. Bad habit. Mama's an enabler. Now he wears a funny mask attached to the halter so his mama will kick him if he gets too close. He knocked his mask off and fixing it was supposed to be the second task of the night.

Well, task number one was easy and quick. And fun for me. I got to tackle the little guy while his boy parts were, um, adjusted, um, altered, well...

Task number two would've brought the house down had we been observed. People would've laughed until they cried. We chased those stupid cows around for an hour trying to get them into the barn so the halter adjustment could take place. It was a clown show. At one point the other yearling felt cornered and blasted through some fencing. Right into the hay field. We were as stunned as he was.

Today we were splitting and stacking wood. As I looked at the repaired fence and that dumb cow it occurred to me that many of my challenges appear as immovable as the fence. In reality, I could blow through the fence at any time, just like the cow had. (I know, shouldn't compare myself to a cow. But I'm going somewhere with this in a minute.) For some reason fencing keeps cows and horses in. However, in reality, both animals are way stronger than the fencing that contains them, but they take the easier route by just obeying their circumstances. Even when they have the strength to overcome it and without much effort.

So, what are my fences? *Confession time* My weight. Using language I have used for years that I know I shouldn't. Not aligning my priorities and how I spend my time. All these are areas that God has given me the strength to deal with, but I don't. I just trudge along. I act like this is just the way it's going to be. Like my circumstances dictate my life. Just like the cows.

Lord, thank you for helping me make connections between what I see and what I do. I know there is a better way. A way that would be more edifying to me and my relationships with others and with you. Please push me Lord. Please help me to get closer to the woman I know I could be. Please Lord, blow the fences down. And push me through. I love you. I appreciate that you pursue me. I appreciate that you died on the cross just to make our relationship right again. You rock. I love you!

What's been goin' on

Monday-having a hard time with it all. Drove to Hood River with Justin. It was incredibly beautiful and sunny. Watched the windsurpfers and kite boarders. Occurred to me that God knew His creation would be a blessing to me and that it's probably enjoyable to him as well!

Tuesday-spent all day getting read for class. Last homework for a long time! She was THE best author I have heard speak in two years. So great. Also got news G-pa was back in the hospital, again.

Wednesday-drove to Eugene to be with G-ma while she waited in the hospital. Didn't leave until almost 10:30pm. Praise: he survived and the blood clot was in his intestine. NOT anywhere else that would've been fatal. Thank you Lord.

Thursday-came home and spent the afternoon with Kevin's family. BBQ! They had kept Justin with them (again) so I could be in Eugene. I so appreciate that! We wrestled a calf to eliminate its ability to reproduce and tried chasing one of the yearlings around the pasture for an hour to fix his halter, but to no avail. He's one skittish piece of work. Won't be sad when he and his half brother hit the freezer this winter. Adios ya jerks. Half brother blew through some fencing. Darn if that didn't just irritate us more. Halter isn't fixed, fence is.

Friday-need to take Justin to the doctor to have them listen to his chest. Horrible cough. Want to try to take advantage of some double coupons. It has been one of those weeks. Wonder what the weekend will bring?

Thank you Lord for your protection and blessing this week as I have traveled all over everywhere. Thank you for watching over my incredible family and for sustaining us. Thank you for the opportunity to talk about you. Please be glorified in this season. Please bring us closer to you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Grateful

A list of things I am grateful for this weekend:
1. My cousin got married! It was a beautiful evening.
2. Another cousin danced with his mama...it was so cool for so many reasons. Reconciliation rocks!
3. Church was awesome today. Celtic worship!!!
4. I got to see so many members of my family all together. Tons of photos.
5. My sis-in-law was a great ear when I needed a pick-me-up.
6. I danced with my hubby.
7. My little boy is happy, healthy, and sleeping.
8. God is still in control. I don't understand some of my/our circumstances, but God can see the bigger picture. He cares for the people I care about even more than I do.
9. Coupons are fun. The game seems wasteful, but a dollar is a dollar, usually.
10. I enjoyed my BBQ-ed hamburger for dinner.
11. I have everything I need. Then some.
12. My hubby thinks I'm awesome. I think he's the best thing since sliced bread.
13. It was warm and sunny all weekend.
14. Jesus didn't just die, he came back!
15. I am in process. God's not through with me yet!

Lord, thank you for this weekend. Thank you for being true and faithful. Please bring me closer to you as I go through this season of my life. Please, Lord, a miracle or two. I love them so much and want them to know you. Thank you Lord for loving us so much. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Connecting

I once heard a speaker explain that the 10 commandments were just the beginning. That Christ's coming would ultimately explode them into something much larger. Infinity beyond the reach of the top 10...

Example: OT-Don't murder. NT-Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

Not only are am I not supposed to kill people, with the heart of Christ I should pray for them.

The connection for me in this is watching some people I love more than words getting closer to the end of their days. I don't think either have ever accepted Jesus. They have been burned beyond belief by religious people who thought their self-righteous attitudes enabled them to condemn others. The result could be...

If people are so turned off by Christians that they don't want to accept Christ, then what? Then the result of one "Christian's" behavior is that another may be eternally lost. Now I know we all have our free will and all that jazz, but the connection is there for me. I am watching it all play out in front of my eyes and have been seeing it for more than 20 years. My, our, behavior as Christians in the world does affect others. Potentially for eternity.

Lord, thank you for how this season will somehow bring glory. I can't see it all, but you can. Please, Lord, two miracles. One for each of the people I love so much. Two hearts turned to you. I know it is never too late. Bring the truth into their hearts, their eyes, someone's lips. As the days tick away, Father, please bring all of us closer to you. I love you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Significant enough

Today was the last day of Women's Bible Study until Fall. I'm going to miss seeing everyone! Today a friend shared about why she doesn't fill in responses to the application questions: She doesn't feel like she has anything significant or noteworthy enough to share. Others have big stories about how God has brought them out of this, that, or the other, and if you're just tootling along it can feel like you don't have a story to share. Been there!

The reality is that without faith in Jesus, and his sacrifice on the cross as the perfect atonement for our sin, we'd be goners. No heaven. No hope. The fact that each of us who follow God can read the promises in the Word aloud and know that they are alive for us is HUGE! That we have hope in eternity is an enormous testimony. That God will look on us with love and see us as justified through the blood of Christ is amazing.

To be saved from hell, whether it was a long and ugly road, or any other way, is significant enough of a testimony to merit sharing. God loves his kiddos. His promises are true. Romans is a great book to study if you need to see some proof.

Thank you Lord for all that You have done this year in each one of our hearts. You are amazing and your grace surpasses all understanding. I love you!

Not so serious today

Last night we had friends over and made two awesome recipes. Had we known they both take a little time we probably would've tag-teamed one, but the results were worth the effort. I love cooking with my hubby. He's the best company any lady could ever ask for!

Notes about the taquitos: I use a small can of green chilis instead of the green salsa. Make sure the tortillas are soft all the way across when you microwave them. I also extend the cooking time up to 26 minutes.
http://www.ourbestbites.com/2009/05/baked-creamy-chicken-taquitos.html

Notes about the potstickers: We tried beef because I forgot to buy ground chicken and didn't think to just grind up the breast I already had defrosted. Oops. We used our microplane for the ginger which imparted a really stout flavor. It was awesome.
http://www.ourbestbites.com/2008/04/cooking-class-potstickers.html

Enjoy!

Thanks Lord for such a great day yesterday and for waking us up again today! Amen!!!

A shift

I sat in church today listening to a message that applied so directly to my life and circumstances that I would almost swear God had prepared it just to speak to me. I know it was a blessing to others as well, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.

The other day I was begging for relief from the chaos around me. I wasn't asking for more God in my life. I wasn't seeking His strength. Basically I wanted less burden instead of more God. The cry of my heart was to remove the pain, not for His strength, or power, or grace to be magnified in my life.

As I looked down at my Bible today there was only one little area of red on either page. Hundreds and hundreds of words in black, only a few in red. The words of Christ: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2Corinthians 12:9 Just like my circumstances... lots of junk with the truth of God's love for me standing out as the one true thing in all of it.

Thank you Lord for using church leaders to speak your truths to me. Thank you for your Word. Thank you for the truth that instead of asking for greater strength or simply relief, that my prayer needs to be for more of You. There is no cure on earth that can heal what faith in you can accomplish in an instant. Thank you for your dogged pursuit of your wandering daughter. Please renew my heart and mold it as I go through this season. Use me, Lord. Help me to understand this nugget of truth that I have never really grasped before. I love you...

Sadness

Dad called and told me he had to put Maddie down today. He was heartbroken. Me too. Mom called cuz Dad called her and because she is heartbroken also. She is so exhausted. I can't imagine what it's like to see your parents' condition start to deteriorate and to acknowledge that things will never be what they once were. She also didn't get to say goodbye and she wasn't there to help Dad. She just can't be in two places at once. I know they are both hurting so much.

My brother and sis-in-law were at the hospital today to get her knee repaired. It's been more than a year. They were disappointed with the outcome of the surgery. I had to tell him about the dog. I cried too much.

My family feels so splintered and I want it to all be ok. I am having to look deep into the truth that it just won't ever be yesterday again. I want to pull them ALL close and to laugh together. We haven't all been together and laughed in so long it takes my breath away to acknowledge it. Yesterday is gone and today I just feel so sad. Sad enough that the tears are only minimally held back. I can't have yesterday ever again. No previous day can be repeated. Heart...ache...

Lord, I don't know even what to pray for. My heart is just so heavy and my emotions so raw. Please be with my family as we grieve and mourn and try to do our best during this season. It hurts a lot. Thank you for your Word and the promises it contains. In Jesus' name.

Hmm...

As the mom of an only child who is 2.5, I have gotten quite used to the ease of our routine. We have been trying for a second for almost nine months, but it hasn't happened yet.

Today we have a little friend over who is spending the afternoon. I was reading with the two of them on our bed as we got ready for naptime and decided it is quite a different experience to share cuddle time with two rather than just one.

Whatever happens, I know we are in good shape. I was just surprised how accustomed to our little routine I have gotten. Hmmm...we'll see. Time will tell...

Lord, thank you for this day. Thank you for friends and family to love and be loved by. Thank you for the hope we have in Heaven. Amen--

That person

Today in Bible study we shared about people who had really impacted our lives through the sharing of their faith. I shared about the woman named Linday who prayed with me when I was nine and was the first to shared the Gospel with me. Her courage forever changed my life. Other people shared about their grandmas. Lots of grandmas out there loving the Lord and changing the world for it. Couple stories about friends. A parent or two.

Brought me to ask whether or not I invest in my personal relationship with the Lord enough to some day be one of those people. I know I can always do better.

Thank you Lord for an awesome day and for the people who have crossed my path with enough love for you to share it with me. Amen--

Space

I'm needing some, some mental space, but it's not easy for me to just deal with my thoughts.

My grandpa isn't doing well. I would like to help, but am kind of being kept at bay. Dejavu (not sure where the spaces/accents go). Went through this about a year ago. Wanted to help when things were hard. Was told no. Wanted to process, and grieve, and help. Wanted to do something, but was told no. Here we are again, a year later, and I'm still being told no. Obviously it's frustrating me. Honestly, it makes me angry. There, I admitted what my true position is. I'm mad. I want to do something besides simmer in my thougths and emotions.

I have a friend who is needing a lot. I am feeling kind of cramped. It would not be appropriate to ask for space right now because her need is real too. She is reaching out to me and the closer she comes the further I back off. One step closer, two steps back.

I love being home. I do. I love this season, but it is hard. Today I am missing work. I want to go solve a problem or create something fun for the kiddos. Not clean the house or plan a meal. Hubby gets home and I'm a crab. He can't do anything about it. He didn't create the issue. He wants to help, but I don't know how to let him. He is so patient with me.

Some day I am going to read this post and be embarrassed. Then I will probably delete it. I know it's whiny. But that's the space I'm in. Sorry.

Lord, augghhhh!!!!! You can see me simmering in my own thoughts and emotions. I need some relief from myself! Thank you for being with me today, even when it ain't pretty. I love you.

My eyes

My eyes can't see like God's do. I think I'd be blown away if I could see all the beauty and perfection that I perceive as brokeness. This weekend I wrestled with what I saw as unfair in another's physical condition.

The man sitting next to me in church had Down's. He worshipped God like his soul was on fire and I was in awe. During songs I always think about standing, he was already on his feet before I could finish the thought. During a song I think we all should be on our knees for because we just aren't worthy, there he was on his knees, with his hands raised to Heaven. A true worshipper worshipping God with integrity, not fear of condemnation by others opinions. If only...

He reminded me of people I have known. I could see them in him. Through his stature, and in his countenance. Without the Down's, we probably would have run in the same social circles earlier in our lives. It felt so unfair to me that he didn't 'get to be normal'. Then it occurred to me that maybe he's just exactly who God wanted him to be and that the one with the problem is ME. Because I couldn't see what God's hands had made. I saw this child of God through the lens of my own humanity. I compared myself to him, and I was the one with the short stick. He worships in truth and think about what others will think.

Lord, thank you for allowing me to come to you with my humanity and for covering it with your grace. You are awesome and I am grateful to be called your daughter. Help me to accomplish my tasks today while continuing to meditate on your truths. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Wow

Last weekend we went to a Christian comedy show with some dear friends. The comedians shared their passion for a program called World Vision, similar to Compassion, that goes into impoverished communities and assists with everything from making potable water available, to education in its many forms, to sharing the Gospel, etc. We had been thinking about child sponsorship for a while and this felt right to us. So, we found a beautiful little girl in Haiti to sponsor and thought we'd see where God leads.

Today her packet came. I had a real sense of humility as I opened it. I didn't know what I expected to find, but I somehow didn't expect what we got. That sounds bad, but bear with me for a minute. In addition to the normal info about writing letters, your child's family, etc, the packet had info about how HIV and AIDS are affecting her community. How entire generations are being wiped out and what World Vision is trying to do to help. To be completely transparent, I have had little or no contact with anyone dealing with this disease. And now I have a picture of someone whose name God knows, who He created in His image, who may or may not have this disease, but even if she doesn't, she knows people who do. And now my six degrees of separation from something I know is being battled all over the world, is removed and this issue is much more real to me.

Her birthday is May 19th. I hope we can get her a care package before then. I don't know how long it takes things to get translated, etc, but I want her to know we care. All the way from Portland, Oregon, we care and we are praying for her. Prayers whose answers we may never see, and wouldn't know what they would look like anyhow. I always know what I am asking for when I pray for friends and family. I know what the outcome "should" look like. In this case, it's just asking God to know and to hear our words and to do what only He can. So, I feel humbled and it's good. I need to dive a little deeper into this. I can't really see the whole picture yet. But, Goes does.

Lord, please help me, help us, to open our hearts to whatever you are doing. I don't see it yet and feel like I'm doing my best to be faithful as I walk blindly. I know you know what she needs and I pray you will use our small offering each month to help accomplish those things. I can't even imagine what it takes to even qualify for this kind of program. Help me to have the courage to fully delve into whatever you want for both families and to do it without shrinking back. You are so good to us and I thank you for your faithfulness. In Jesus' name, Amen--

It's a choice

Submitting to any authority is a choice. Not submitting is a choice as well. However, the consequences of not submitting can be rough. Some of our authorities are chosen and some are not. Does that mean I only have to submit to those I chose? No, if an authority has been placed over me then my choice is my attitude: to be a blessing or a curse, both to myself and to the other person or people.

This lesson has really hit home for me in the past two days. Last night we read a letter from our lead pastor about the financial status of our church. He felt compelled to respond to questions and gossip that have been shared since the staff and elders had to make some really tough financial decisions. Clearly the decisions had been well thought out and every attempt had been made to avoid letting anyone go. However, that wasn't good enough for a number of people. Hence the latest email.

Why in the world do my pastors have to use their time explaining every decision they make? Why aren't people trusting them to make good judgments and allowing them the time to counsel, teach, preach, minister, etc? Because they don't want to submit and trust that anyone else could make a good decision without their input. Argh...

I had two other conversations this morning with people caring for loved ones who don't want to follow the advice their doctors are providing. Isn't a doctor an authority with more knowledge? Even a chosen authority? They didn't come to you to force their authority on you. You went to them! In both these situtations the consequence of not doing what you've been advised to do could mean a casket. Argh...

Romans 13:1 Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. (NIV)

Hebrews 13:17 Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you. (NIV)

Lord, sometimes I don't know why I have certain encounters. Then later you pull it all together for me and remind me what your word says. Help me to avoid undermining those with authority over me and to encourage others in the same way. Help to live according to your word, with my heart submitted to you in love. Thank you for this amazingly beautiful day. Amen--