Goodbye

Yesterday we went to Eugene to say goodbye to Grandpa. Justin was scared at first, but warmed up fairly quickly. He had everyone laughing and at that point I knew bringing him was the right decision. As we were leaving I asked him to tell Great Grandpa that he loved him (which he did), that we'd see him soon (hopefully in Heaven), and then goodbye. Our little prince was such an angel. Grandpa waved goodbye to us and that brought everyone to tears. No one had seen that much from him in days. He is dying and it hurts so much.

Last night I was in and out of sleep all night. Whether dreaming or awake, I was holding Grandpa's hand and watching over him. I could see his room and Grandma sleeping on the guest bed. This went on for so long. Then at 4:30 I just panicked because I thought he had died. Truly, I panicked. Shaking, crying, choking. I just knew it. However, this morning he rallied a bit as his doctor said he probably would. I guess most people, when they are dying, seem to have one final rally after all the tubes and stuff have been removed. I can only guess it's because they know at some very deep level that the door is closing. I cannot imagine it.

We spend our every waking minute from the time we enter the world sustaining the life we have been given. We do our best to avoid any pain or injury and then at some point, it's just over. We really have little say in it. I feel like I am dealing with something I have never truly thought about before. I have lost others, but this time the reality of life and its brevity and death and its finality are just...

Lord, thank you that I got to say goodbye to Grandpa and that Kevin and Justin were there as well. The support of this wonderful husband you have blessed me with is amazing. Thank you for the joy that Justin brought to everyone. Thank you that you are a shepherd who seeks to have your entire flock safe and under your watchful eye. Please bring us all to yourself, especially those who have wandered far. Please let Grandpa's passing be peaceful. I love you. In Jesus' name, Amen.