Space

I'm needing some, some mental space, but it's not easy for me to just deal with my thoughts.

My grandpa isn't doing well. I would like to help, but am kind of being kept at bay. Dejavu (not sure where the spaces/accents go). Went through this about a year ago. Wanted to help when things were hard. Was told no. Wanted to process, and grieve, and help. Wanted to do something, but was told no. Here we are again, a year later, and I'm still being told no. Obviously it's frustrating me. Honestly, it makes me angry. There, I admitted what my true position is. I'm mad. I want to do something besides simmer in my thougths and emotions.

I have a friend who is needing a lot. I am feeling kind of cramped. It would not be appropriate to ask for space right now because her need is real too. She is reaching out to me and the closer she comes the further I back off. One step closer, two steps back.

I love being home. I do. I love this season, but it is hard. Today I am missing work. I want to go solve a problem or create something fun for the kiddos. Not clean the house or plan a meal. Hubby gets home and I'm a crab. He can't do anything about it. He didn't create the issue. He wants to help, but I don't know how to let him. He is so patient with me.

Some day I am going to read this post and be embarrassed. Then I will probably delete it. I know it's whiny. But that's the space I'm in. Sorry.

Lord, augghhhh!!!!! You can see me simmering in my own thoughts and emotions. I need some relief from myself! Thank you for being with me today, even when it ain't pretty. I love you.